I am the size of a fat, pregnant Hippopotamus. I cannot stop filling my cake hole nor stop thinking about filling my cake hole. Gone are the days of surviving on coffee and cigarettes. I could do that easily for some reason but nowadays I only find release and comfort in cake, chips and all things fabulously cheesy. I have a paunch that starts at my front bottom and rises to my waist in a gentle slope of blubber. WTF? When did that arrive? What is that even called?? I feel outraged enough about it when I get dressed every morning but by the time I’m parallel with the fridge I’m up to my jowls in left overs. I fill my fridge with soup, hummus and carrot sticks but just eat all of that as well as the left over Pie or Lasagna or have to make a door stop sandwich with the Tuna and Mayo. Just give me some red lipstick, a crop top and hot pants and if ever there was a poster girl for gluttony then I am she, rippling with cellulite on every flapping limb and with huge folds of front and back fat I would be a fabulous over forty fat girl. Those hot pants would get so swallowed up they may well be mistaken for a thong and my nipples would definitely be visible poking out down towards my toes in a Chad like manner….”Wot no bra?”
My clothes are literally bursting at the seams as I significantly compress many of my organs into my lung cavity whenever I do up my jeans. That used to be a right of passage in my youth but now it’s frankly doing nothing for my muffin tops or I.B.S. I fear the Summer and warmer temperatures and what that will mean for my folds. I will need to apply talcum powder and Lanacane in order to prevent chafing and unpleasant odours. The stormy and swiftly changing hormone patterns of my peri menopausal state, also provide me with a series of bewildering sweaty moments. In short I may become covered in large damp patches at any anxious point in time, never a good look and when moving quickly there will probably be noises…….
So after a half term of indulging my children and of course myself in sugar, crap and cheap carbs and literally loving every gorgeous mouthful. I know I must now turn my face into the bitter, icy wind and find my steely resolve. If I am unable to find my back bone amongst all of this fat then I fear all public transport will be lost to me and I will have to spend most of my time in refrigerated areas …………….again.
I made these twice over half term and saddo that I am I cannot tell you how happy they made me. I loved eating them myself of course but loved being able to give my children a homemade doughnut more. I’m sure it has some psychological roots in all the Enid Blyton books I read as a child about fantastic spreads with jam doughnuts and lashings of ginger beer. But that said I hate ginger beer and they do taste seriously, outstandingly, amazingly good all on their own. My children couldn’t get enough and were excited in a way that they usually reserve for Minecraft or killing each other and that made me feel good all the way down to my deepest back fat. Making feel good food for my children so that they will remember good times when they are older really floats my boat. That way I feel I will be able to reach out and give them a momma squeeze of love even when we are apart. Psycho mother stalking bitch that I am……
This is a recipe from John Whaite that I found in Lisa Faulkner’s brilliant book Tea & Cake.
- 500g strong white flour
- 10g salt
- 50g caster sugar
- 7g fast action yeast sachet
- 240ml milk
- 40g of unsalted butter
- 2 eggs
- jam for filling doughnuts
- caster sugar for rolling the doughnuts
- Put the flour in a large mixing bowl and stir in the sugar and salt before adding the yeast.
- Warm the milk and butter gently until it becomes too hot to bear if you stick your finger in to test.Mix well to melt the butter and add the eggs and beat them in too.
- Slowly pour the liquid ingredients into the mixing bowl and mix well to combine. I then use my dough hook on my food mixer to mix on a low speed for about five mins. You can knead for ten mins using a dough scraper as the mixture is quite wet. I left mine mixing in the food mixer for longer than five mins as it was quite sticky and took that long to firm up.
- When the dough becomes smooth and elastic, put it into a clean bowl,cover with clingfilm and leave to rise for 1 hour.
- After the dough has risen, weigh it into 10 equal pieces and roll into balls. I roll them between my hand and the worksurface quite firmly so that the balls are quite tight!
- Cover with oiled clingfilm and leave to rise for 45 mins.
- Put the jam in a saucepan and heat gently before putting through a sieve to remove any lumpy bits.
- I used my deep fat fryer but you can pour 3 litres of sunflower oil into a deep frying pan.If using a pan make sure you have not filled your pan up more than just under half full as the oil will bubble up significantly.
- Fifteen mins before the buns will be ready heat the deep fat fryer to 170 C or if without a thermometer drop a cube of bread in to check for sizzling. Fry the buns for 3 mins each side,turning them over carefully with a slotted spoon.
- Remove from the fryer with the slotted spoon and rest on some kitchen towel before moving to a wire rack for cooling.
- When cool enough to handle roll these glorious buns in sugar and return to the wire rack.
- I left half of my doughnuts plain as I and my son prefer them that way but for the remaining doughnuts make a small but deep slit in the side with a knife and using a piping bag and nozzle filled with the strained jam fill the doughnuts.
- Apply to half term jammy face.